Kupu Kupu

June 11, 2017

It’s now Sunday morning.

Last night upon arrival, we received green Indonesia visa stamps in our passports, went through customs, then searched a crowd of taxi drivers for a handwritten sign that read, “Kupu Kupu.”

“That’s us,” Eric said.

Our driver, Dharma, was kind with a warm, sincere smile. He talked to us briefly before I dozed in and out of consciousness in the backseat. An hour and a half later we arrived to this pocket of paradise, changed into our pajamas, and went to bed.

* * *

We are in Kelabang Moding, a traditional Balinese village in Ubud. I sit here now in my sarong, on a pillow on the floor of the veranda, looking at the luscious greenery that encompasses Kupu Kupu, which means “butterflies.”

A yellow butterfly flutters around violet flowers as I peek up from my diary. I see orchids, banana leaves, and the biggest peace lilies I have ever seen.. just growing in the wild.

I hear the symphony of nature.. insects, birds, and a blissful breeze. Every now and then a scooter passes by in the distance. A rooster crows. And Kapli kapali.*

The raining has ceased, but I can still hear the soothing sound of drops dripping from low-hanging branches. Earlier this morning I showered in the magical outdoor bathroom oasis. Natural rain trickled down while I took the hottest shower I have taken in six months.

We take cold ones in Thailand. They were also cool in Singapore and Malaysia. We showered with buckets of rainwater in Cambodia. So today’s shower was a treat. I was in a cloud of steam as I breathed in the fresh morning air.

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Eric is behind me now preparing our coffee. We remain silent to savor this moment of tranquility. It’s a break from the busy bustling of Bangkok. Our giant coconut drinks are sitting on the table beside where I write. A yellow carnation and a red rose. A round table close to the ground. Two pillows. Two coconuts with frangipanis and straws.

I look forward… green life that keeps luring my attention. I look up… coconut trees and a serene sky.

I listen.

My spirit it settling.

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It’s just us and the sounds.

Red fireflies. Yellow butterflies. Toast with butter and honey. Hot Indonesian coffee.

Bird of paradise plants serving nectar to little hummingbirds.

An older Balinese woman leaving Canang sari by our steps, a daily offering of flowers and incense to thank Acintya which in sanskrit means “he who cannot be imagined.”

A lizard with an orange stripe crawls beside the offering.

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Eric and I reminisce about moments that were bliss.. Riding bikes in the rain and making love on the platform in the trees at Renegade Mountain in 2014.. Laying on the hammock between two palm trees on Arashi Beach in Aruba, 2015..

We were the only people on the beach that night, and the only light was from the moon. It was the night he said, “If you were to become pregnant.. it would be your choice, but I want you to know that that baby would be conceived from the highest and purest form of love, humanly possible.”

I’ll always remember that night. Under the ceiling of stars, a seed was planted in the depths of my heart.

* * *

Now on this veranda, on this harmonious morning, he says, “We should record a video to our future child.” He continues, “Just say we are thinking about you.”

We kiss.

Hmm hmm hm. Take my whole life too… Cause I can’t help falling in love with you…

I’m humming softly as I write. I can’t get the song out of my head.

Why do I get to be here in this country, in this setting from a dream, with the man of my dreams?

Why do we get to experience this together?

It’s so quiet. There are so many sounds, but it’s so quiet.

How can we not overflow with gratitude?

How can we not be inspired?

I don’t want to break this silence with words. And so I write. With gratitude flowing from my fingertips and leaking onto these pages.

The moment is now. The moment when it goes from “cerebral to physical.” This… This was an idea… even a dream. Then it became a plan.. Then suddenly we are here.

Now I’ll surrender to the present.

“The dreams were only a beginning. They indicated the path to follow.” -Anais Nin

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* Kapli kapali, The shortest staccato sentence in War & Peace that means “Drops drip”



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